We in Iran own our grief, mourning all by ourselves.
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| Leanne Shapton: Untitled, 2022. Courtesy The New York Review. |
by Anonymous, The New York Review
For the author’s safety, the translator’s name has also been kept anonymous.
It’s the second time in a year that we in Iran have found ourselves in the middle of a war—the first was launched by Israel with US aid, the second by the two armies hand in hand. In Tehran the night sky lights up when missiles hit the ground, and we look at one another with terror. Many people have already left the city. Between these two wars the Islamic Republic, our own government, killed thousands and thousands of Iranians around the country who were protesting the rulers’ incompetence and corruption, the rising price of goods, the economy’s stagnation, and the country’s lack of social and political freedom, and who by a certain point were asking for regime change. During all three of these horrors the Internet has been all but completely shut down. (I still have highly unreliable, limited access today.) Checkpoints have been set up across cities; militia forces threaten people in the streets. This paragraph is the shortest summary possible of what we have been living through since the beginning of last summer.
As I write this, on the ninth day of the war, oil facilities have been hit and black columns of smoke have darkened the horizon, rising to the heart of the sky. I cannot tell where the sun is anymore, and I write quickly, for fear that at any moment I might be killed. Writing under such urgency demands an economy of words. If I have only a few more minutes left of my life, would the things I want to say even be considered of value? What should I put down on the page as some kind of trace of myself in this world, or as a document of our time?
Is it important to write that the aftertaste of my morning coffee seems stronger and more pleasant these days and I don’t feel guilty about it? To write that during this war I have spent most of my time, as I did during the previous war, on the rooftop, because when I am stuck in my room and I hear the sounds of explosions it drives me insane not to be able to see or guess their source? To write that, as an ordinary citizen, I wish I did not have to know the difference between a B-2 plane and an F-35, between liquid and solid rocket fuels, between MIM-104 Patriot air defense and Terminal High Altitude Area Defense systems? What purpose does it serve me to know why a heavy-water reactor is considered a highly sensitive target for attacks, what the functions of the UN Security Council and the International Atomic Energy Agency are, the details of chapter 7 of the UN Charter? Why do I need to learn how to circumvent various types of Internet filtering, only to find myself, especially during emergencies, behind the virtual walls of a blackout? I wish we could have spent our entire youth simply enjoying literature and the arts, history and philosophy. I wish we could have drowned ourselves in Persian poetry, from the 52,000 verses of Ferdowsi’s Shahnameh to the three thousand passionate ghazals left to us by Mowlana Rumi. Back then the regime’s apocalyptic fantasies of political Islam sounded to us like harmless jokes; their anti-Iranian ideals sounded like nonsense from a comedy that we could simply ignore until we couldn’t, until everything became too serious. And now the sky over Tehran has gone black with a smoke whose harms we have yet to fathom.
Yesterday I lay on my back on the bed, smoking. I never smoke in the bedroom, but war, like wine, sorrow, and love, erases one’s most basic disciplines and pushes aside all pleasantries. And I hope you do not consider this a sanctification of war, but I want to say that in a time of war, like a time of love, one can sometimes become more beautiful, more courageous. A few moments before I lit my cigarette, H. texted me a photograph of a police station—almost completely demolished, but even from its ruins I could tell which police station it was. I knew immediately why she had sent me the photo. Many years ago, when we were both young, before the morality police was instituted, we were arrested by the Basij forces. H. and I had been walking together, not even holding hands, and the two of us were taken to this police station. I still remember the painful details of that day because it was the first time in my life that I was humiliated and insulted; the worst part of it was that the bearded Basiji guy, with his foul breath, lashed out with the most disgusting words at the girl who was the first love of my life, and it hurt me that her beautiful wild eyes, her soft skin, and her mischievous attitude were exposed to such despicable, medieval behavior. We were kids who loved poetry and cinema, and we still didn’t fully understand what power and ideology and violence could mean in a totalitarian state.
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